Jupiter Ascending (2015)

1star

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Directed by: Andy & Lana Wachowski
Written by: Andy & Lana Wachowski
Starring: Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum, Eddie Redmayne, Sean Bean, Douglas Booth

 

I was going to make a joke along the lines of “the only thing ascending was my lunch because this movie was so bad it made me wanna puke” but then I realized it was a terrible joke and I suck at comedy.

Then I thought no one should be deterred from doing anything they like, even if they’re not good at it (or used to be but not anymore). That certainly didn’t stop the Wachowskis from going through with this turd we call Jupiter Ascending.

Andy and Lana write the most awful, cringe-worthy lines of dialog in their careers and create the blandest, most uninteresting characters. Yet somehow, miraculously, their film is not boring.

That doesn’t mean it isn’t a waste of your time, though. The little appeal of Jupiter has to do with very impressive visuals and cool costumes and the awkward joy of seeing a soon-to-be Oscar-winning actor fail miserably so soon after a career-defining performance.

It’s clear now that there was a reason (or many) for this film to be delayed. The question is, why did they bother releasing it?

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