Jupiter Ascending (2015)

February 14, 2015

Directed by: Andy & Lana Wachowski
Written by: Andy & Lana Wachowski
Starring: Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum, Eddie Redmayne, Sean Bean, Douglas Booth

I was going to make a joke along the lines of “the only thing ascending was my lunch because this movie was so bad it made me wanna puke” but then I realized it was a terrible joke and I suck at comedy.

Then I thought no one should be deterred from doing anything they like, even if they’re not good at it (or used to be but not anymore). That certainly didn’t stop the Wachowskis from going through with this turd we call Jupiter Ascending.

Andy and Lana write the most awful, cringe-worthy lines of dialog in their careers and create the blandest, most uninteresting characters. Yet somehow, miraculously, their film is not boring.

That doesn’t mean it isn’t a waste of your time, though. The little appeal of Jupiter has to do with very impressive visuals and cool costumes and the awkward joy of seeing a soon-to-be Oscar-winning actor fail miserably so soon after a career-defining performance.

It’s clear now that there was a reason (or many) for this film to be delayed. The question is, why did they bother releasing it?

Category : Film Reviews

Tags : 2015, andy and lana wachowski, andy and larry wachowski, blog, bloggers, blogging, channing tatum, channing tatum hot, channing tatum jupiter ascending, channing tatum naked, committed to celluloid, critic, delayed movies, douglas booth, eddie redmayne, eddie redmayne jupiter ascending, eddie redmayne Oscar, eddie redmayne Stephen hawking, film review, film reviews, jupiter ascending, lana wachowski, mila kunis, mila kunis ashton kutcher, mila kunis hot, movie review, movie reviews, review, reviews, sean bean, wachowski brothers, wachowski sex change, wachowski siblings

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12 thoughts on “Jupiter Ascending (2015)”

le0pard13 on February 14, 2015 at 6:14 pm said:

You simply loved it, right? 😉

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- fernandorafael on February 14, 2015 at 6:26 pm said:
  
  Yes, of course 🙂
  
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Andrew on February 15, 2015 at 6:27 am said:

I almost want to see this…just to make fun of it!

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- fernandorafael on February 15, 2015 at 12:09 pm said:
  
  That’s a good way to approach it.
  
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Dan O. on February 15, 2015 at 11:23 am said:

A fun movie. Even if it was incredibly silly. Good review.

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- fernandorafael on February 15, 2015 at 12:10 pm said:
  
  Thanks. It is weirdly fun despite being so terrible.
  
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Abbi on February 15, 2015 at 12:46 pm said:

What a crock of shit this was. Pretty but utterly pointless.

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- fernandorafael on February 15, 2015 at 12:49 pm said:
  
  Agree.
  
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Three Rows Back on February 17, 2015 at 6:41 am said:

You have to be really Committed to Celluloid to watch this!

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- fernandorafael on February 17, 2015 at 6:06 pm said:
  
  LOL! Yes, you do. Or have a boyfriend who drags you to it.
  
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Mark Walker on February 18, 2015 at 1:47 am said:

Ouch! Another scathing review? This sounds like it’s a major contender for Turkey of the year. Nice one Fernando!

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- fernandorafael on February 18, 2015 at 8:50 pm said:
  
  Thanks. It was pretty but awful!
  
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